#3.
The ladies and Ben are in Panama City. Nicki doesn’t know what to expect…here’s a clue. Lots of crying, a lot of back stabbing from Courtney and a lot of bikinis.
Courtney is still talking about the skinny-dipping session. We’re like, a minute in and I already want to tell her to shut her mouth.
Glad that Ben thinks there’s more than one woman who he could see himself spending the rest of his life. I think he should do what no bachelor has done before. Say fuck it right now, become a polygamist and marry all nine of the broads that remain. If not that, I vote for a fight to the death using roses as weapons (stems, thorns, whatever). Last woman standing gets the final rose.
Ben and the woman are surprised that a place called panama city is “metropolitan.” These are the assholes that give Americans a bad name.
Blakely attacks Kacie B. when her name is announced for the one-on-one date. Looked up from my computer long enough to see the attack, hoping that my rose battle was happening, and realized it was in jest. Damn it.
Now Ben and Kacie B. are in a helicopter. He wants to see if the feelings are still there, and Kacie B. is excited to be holding his hand. Ben is worried about running out of things to talk about. Good news is that if they do, he can leave her marooned on the island. Teamwork is a big part of a relationship, according to Ben. I don’t see a lot of team work here. Ben is doing everything while Kacie B. watches the “determination in his face.” He knocked down the coconut, he threw the net to catch the fish, he cut down the palms for shelter. All Kacie B. does is talk. Mostly about how to build a successful relationship. For single folks, they sure seem to know a lot about what makes a good relationship. I have to be honest, I’m a little surprised that Ben not only caught a fish but figure out how to knock down a coconut. He does look a bit like a cro-mag so I guess it’s not far off.
Ladies back in the room are excited about another envelope. Emily and Lindzi (the horse lover) Casey S., Courntey and Jamie are not scared because they are going on a group date. Blakely is excited because she thinks she has something on Rachel and that she will be the one who wins Ben attention. The only thing she has on her is 33 years and ton of crazy.
Back to Kacie B. She’s about to reveal something very secretive, but not for the sake of honesty, but “because there’s a rose on the line.” What’s it gonna be? Before I could speculate, she spits it out: eating disorder. That would have been my second guess. I’m not gonna talk shit about that because that is some serious shit, but I do have to wonder how an eating disorder helped “get her to this place” as Ben said (remember, this place is a televised dating show with several other women). Ben is obviously impressed, as he hands her the rose. She seems happy. “On a scale of 1 to wonderful” she claims to be “fantastic.” Not sure that fantastic is on that scale, but I don’t want to piss on her parade.
Promo time. Apparently skinny-dipping wasn’t enough for Courtney. Nope, now she plans to tart-it-up minus a bikini top. What a moron.
Ben is piloting a boat by himself. Somehow I don’t see him being able to start a motor on his own. Courtney is upset that she is on a group date, but maybe he’s trying to tell her that he’s into more than a one-on-one. Jamie just mentioned that Ben is a man’s man for piloting the boating himself. Jamie, see above, and don’t be surprised when you get sent home tonight. You and Rachel (Ben loves the brunettes, remember). Ben wants to say hello to the kids they see on the riverbank, I imagine so he can show the ladies how good he is with kids. Swoon. The women “stumble” upon a totally remote village with a bunch of people who’ve never seen anyone but their own tribes people before. Nah…I’m just fucking with you. They’re greeted by a bunch of people are paid to entertain insipid, uneducated tourists and who will soon be wearing “New England Patriots – 2012 Super Bowl Champion” shirts. The women are probably worried about cannibalism, and Ben is totally hoping for it. Oh. And here is Courtney, ready to take it all off. No need to be modest around your competition. Nicki is not surprised, nor are the rest of the women. The only person who may be surprised by Courtney’s public nudity is her father. Or maybe not. Ben is happy she’s naked. The “chief” is probably offended. Wait…who is speaking to the chief in his native language? Someone speaks this lost language? Maybe one of these women is not as dumb as I thought. Courtney now is “marking her territory.” That’s some low hanging fruit, so I won’t make the obvious joke. Emily can’t stand her near nudity. Courtney is now flashing the native children. I hope the native “chief” of police arrests her for public indecency (or just public stupidity). Courtney ignores the rest of the girls and shows Ben her moves (and just about everything else). Is anyone else sick of this woman yet?
The daytime part of the date is over, now it’s time for the vultures to circle…the booze is flowing and vulture Lindzi is first to strike. Ben is skeptical of her, even though she seems cool. She admits that she’s cried over Ben, and I can just seem him trying to find a way out of the conversation. He does so by telling her he likes her (she hears nothing after that, btws) then wows her with his lips and tongue.
Cut to Rachel and Blakely getting an envelope. Rachel has no confidence and is going to get eaten alive by Blakely on this date. I like Rachel so much more than grandma Blakely, but I don’t believe Ben is a good judge of character and will choose the ancient one.
Now crazy vulture Courtney is swooping in for a bit of the road kill. Ben loves the skinny-dipping (they must be contractually obligated to mention it during each segment). Courtney is complaining in order to get the rose from Ben. I’m afraid it’s gonna work. He should sense the crazy, but again, he sucks at judging people. Courtney also has something up her sleeve. Jamie wants to be aggressive, but it’s too late. Ben has no idea who she is, and will be surprised by her presence. Thinking she’s a p.a. or something, he will yell, “get the fuck out of my shot, nobody!” She will cry. Oh. That didn’t happen. She sets herself up for failure by asking if not kissing Ben is a sign that she’s not interested. Ben says yes, then has to listen to her inane babbling while his true love strips and jumps in the pool. Yep. He just admitted that he had a focus problem, but he needs to remain focused on getting rid of the lady in front of him who won’t shut the hell up. Because she can’t bring herself to kiss him, she is done. Ben doesn’t want a talker, he wants model who can’t seem to keep her clothes on. Jamie, save yourself the embarrassment of not getting a rose tonight and just offer to go home, please.
Now it’s Emily’s turn to talk. Emily freaks everyone out with a stupid joke about being with the “chief.” Ben thinks it’s hilarious, but can’t help thinking about all the times she complained about his true love (Courtney). Oh no. she says she wants to focus on him. Didn’t she say that last week? Yeah, she did, then started talking shit about Courtney. She has lots of regrets about this, saying that she “misjudged” Courtney and actually goes as far as to apologize to her. Courtney will not forgive her. Wow. Was I right. Courtney took her contrite apology and used it to stab her in the face. I really want Ben to end up with Kacie B. but I think it’s gonna be Courtney because he is an idiot. I hope Ben is at home watching this with Courtney on skype right now and is pissed about what a jerk she actually is. Lindzi gets called away for a rose. Courtney realizes she didn’t get naked enough for Ben to notice her tonight. “what else do I have to do to get him to marry me?” she must be thinking, and I’m thinking that she needs to decapitate one of her competitors and leave the head on Ben’s pillow. Then of course, go skinny-dipping. Lindzi is happy, and Courtney of course tries to lure Ben into her room. Maybe the decapitated head will be on her pillow? Either way, this woman is getting murderous. And now she’s confessing her past man issues. She’s starting to question their relationship as she sits alone in her pajamas, watching the sun come up. What a pathetic model.
Blakely is way excited. It’s like she’s on meth or something. That’s a serious amount of energy to be exuding about anything, let alone a two-on-one date with Ben. Plus it looks like all of her teeth have been replaced. Maybe it’s the meth, maybe they’re just dentures to replace teeth she lost because they didn’t put fluoride in water in the 1850s. the ladies are about to salsa dance with Ben. Rachel wants to be aggressive, but she is “awkward” and this all seems forced. It’s a sensual dance that helps her connect to Ben, but going first in this case is not good, because not great grandma Blakely is about to get really whorish. She sees what I see, and thinks that Rachel is not naturally sexy (like I said, forced). Blakely, as it turns out, is a horrific dancer. She dances like she lost a limb in the first world war. Rachel tries to break in, and Blakely denies her. But now Rachel is in, and the salsa lady can’t count. This dance competition is starting to heat up. Just waiting for Tom Bergeron and the annoying Dancing With the Stars judges to jump out (cross promotional opportunity, ABC!).
After the commercial break, the ladies and Ben are about to eat. The rose sits on the table, waiting to be given away. Rachel complains, Blakely says nothing but positive things. She is working this so hard. Rachel and Ben walk away for a chat while Blakely eats. It’s dark, so it’s way past her supper time (old people eat early, ya know). Rachel is talking too fast and making no sense. Ben gets a blank stare when he looks at the women he wants to lose. Rachel leans in for a kiss, and then another, and another and now I’ve lost count. He says he doesn’t know who’s going home yet, but I know that Blakely is staying. Oh, damn. Maybe I’m wrong. Suddenly her confidence is gone and she is nervous. She feels something, and has to cry to prove it. She needs validation, and Ben sees the changes in her and loves her openness (it must be hard for him to come up with something to say to all of these women because he always talks about openness). Blakely wants to share something personal with Ben (eating disorder has already been used this episode so what can it be? My guess? She will finally reveal her true age. 76.). Nope. She has done the unthinkable and pulled out a scrapbook made by one of her grandchildren and passed it off to Ben as a strong indicator of her feelings for her (that sneaky blue hair). When did she have time to make this thing? Ben thinks it’s great, but he is terrified. She is the one collecting his hair and fingernail clippings, I think. The three of them are together again. He grabs the rose as voice over Ben talks about how difficult the decision is for him. Bye bye Rachel! No! Fuck! Blakely is going home? Can’t be. She is walking toward the exit, but she’s gonna have to go back in to get her grandchild’s scrapbook. Rachel wants to see what’s going on so she peers through the window to see if Blakely finally comes clean about her age. All she does is cry, so we are all left to wonder.
Another stranger enters the women’s apartment and steals some luggage. The women scream about Blakely going home. I am seriously stunned.
Ben walks her to a waiting car, telling her how much he cares about her. Just let her go back to her knitting, Benjamin. And as if to drive the point home, the cameraperson aims his/her camera away from the crumbling relationship to a lonely cat walking across a dark, wet street. The symbolism is amazing here…yes, Blakely, you will live alone with your cat, because you have outlived all of your friends and most of your family. Best of luck. Now Ben has to go back and be way happy about finishing up his now cold dinner with the night’s winner. He will realize she is not much of a conversationalist.
Now Rachel’s claws come out, talking about how perfect the night was while Ben holds a crying Blakely for the last time. I’m sad to see her go, mostly because I can’t make old people jokes anymore.
Chris Harrison arrives (am I the only one who always calls him Chris Hanson?). He pulls aside Casey S. (yeah, the other woman no one remembers) and needs to talk to her about something. Oh…what could it be? Let me guess…she has a boyfriend back at home. It’s always that, isn’t it? It’s never anything awesome like she’s wanted for check fraud, or for auto theft. Who cares if she has a boyfriend at home? Ben currently has 8 girlfriends. Oh no, Chris says he heard from 3 different people that she is in love. She claims Michael is an ex. Chris says that he talked to Michael and whatshername is calling her boyfriend a liar. She gives an explanation that is ripped straight from the junior high headlines. Then she admits that she may need therapy, as therapists in her hometown wait by the phones for her call. She now admits that she hopes her boyfriend (or ex boyfriend or whatever) will change. Now they have to talk to Ben. Ben is gonna send her home now, which means that I am probably wrong about Jamie. But she will go home next week for sure than, because she was only spared because the blonde woman who no one remembers has a boyfriend back at home.
Ben seems surprised by Chris and Casey’s presence outside his door. She starts to tell him what’s up then changes the subject. She is not very smart. She can’t form a sentence and her thoughts are unclear, but she does admit that she is not over her boyfriend. She has no idea what she is talking about. Ben talks about how she won’t open up (Ben…shut up). He wants her to be open with him (broken record). Ben is not angry, but is disappointed. That is the worst, isn’t it? I feel like he is her father or something. He’s totally gonna pat her on the head and send her out the door. He’s about to take the sugar off of things and send her home. She looks dead behind the eyes, but agrees with him. I wonder how things are going with Michael as she cries on Chris’ shoulder. Chris does his best to clarify her intentions as Ben stares off into the ocean, wondering when his true love will finally reveal herself (hint, it’s the next time that Courtney gets a glass a wine or two into her).
Chris is back alone and the women are surprised. Emily sits mouth agape, then Chris talks about how Ben really wants everyone “to be open” or step away. “Open” is this year’s “journey” “here for the right reasons” or “the stakes are high” and another phrase/word to add to the bachelor drinking game you all must be playing to actually endure this trash.
Ben is in a suit now, so that means the show must be almost over. I learn he still has a woman to send home, so it has to be Jamie. I was just about to type, “is he gonna say open soon?” and before I put a finger on the keyboard he spit it out. Now Nicki says it. She takes him away, mentions how open she is. Again. She took Chris’ words to heart. I think the woman who says “open” the most will ultimately find the key to open Ben’s heart. Courtney feels awesome and agrees with me that Jamie may go home. It’s not gonna be Emily. I mean, listen to the music they play every time Jamie is on camera. It’s like the creepy calliope music you hear in a movie when some lesser character is about to get assaulted by a leprechaun or a clown or something. Jamie talks too much. She talks about showing Ben she’s sexy and a woman (oh shit) then gets aggressive so she can shock him. She talks too much. She’s now talking about the dreams she’s had about Ben. She is not a prude. Ben wants to know what her really big plans are. And her plans were to cook him a nice breakfast and brush his hair and make the bed before he goes off to work, because she’s boring as shit. No. She straddles him and pretends it’s sexy, but it’s nothing but awkward. She giggles as she tries to make out with Ben. He is a terrible liar. She says she’s confident (not around men) but she’s not at all confident. Ben is getting scared, as the crazy music starts playing. She’s analyzing the kissing, and once again I am sure she needs to just go home. Ben says she’s not the first woman he has kissed, but Ben is for sure the first man she has ever kissed. Ben is overwhelmed, and so am I. She is trying to be “open” and vulnerable. She asks if she has been clear. Ben says yes, but he’s lying and can’t wait to find that pistol he’s hidden in the planter so he can end this all right now (suicide, not murder).
Chris reminds everyone how serious this is. Three women have roses already. Lindzi, Rachel and Kacie. One goes home.
Ben talks about the journey and trust. Will he say open? They must have edited it out. Cue the rose music. I still maintain that Ben needs a haircut as he gives Nicki the first rose. The women are nervous, but they shouldn’t be. Courtney gets the next one and immediately begins plotting her next bit of nudity to get Ben’s attention. We’re now down to the final rose. There is no drama here. Emily, get your ass up there. I just want to hear what Ben can possibly have to say to Jamie. Wow. At least I got one of them tonight. She talks about never meeting a guy like Ben before. But she’s really never been with any guy before. The goodbye was an easy one for Ben. As she makes her way to the exit, he wonders why he didn’t catch on to her crazy ways earlier, then he remembers that he thought she was a p.a. He has a good laugh then heads back inside to yuk it up with the remaining women. As Jamie gets into the car, her voice over (the voices in her head?) mentions that she was trying to be open. Well, she doesn’t seem to understand that this is over. She no longer has to repeat Ben and Chris’ word of the season. Now she’s off to wherever she comes from to become a minor celebrity, getting paid tens of dollars to host trivia night at the local pub. Poor thing.
Ben thinks his wife is in front of him and that they’re off to Belize. None of the women know where Belize is.
The previews for the next episode show a lot of complaining from lots of women in bikinis. The editors want it to appear that Courtney will be going home, but I don’t think it will happen.
To end this episode, we get to hear Emily’s rap. I think we heard this in the first episode. Oh I guess it’s a different one. It’s about the episode we just saw. I kinda don’t hate her, but I hate that she is rapping.
Okay, next week Rachel and Nicki go home.
Until next week…
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